I’ve been thinking a lot about some of the things I’ve said recently and the things I’ve felt when moving forward. I’m still feeling the aftereffects of the relationship I had for nearly a year. It was…deep. I really threw myself into it and let myself focus almost exclusively on what was between us. I used pictures of them as wallpaper and even had their name in some of my passwords (passwords which have since changed). In a writing I posted a while back, “Strong”, I described this as obsession.
But really, the actions I took in a lot of ways are how I view love. Love is being open and taking someone’s soul into yourself. The closer you are to someone, the more their soul touches and blends into yours. The idea that this was an obsession and that I was unhealthy in focusing on seems wrong in a way. How else am I going to be close to people in the future if I don’t open up and be vulnerable to them? Why would I tamp down my feelings of adoration and joy when they’re someone that fills my being so wonderfully and thoroughly?
I certainly didn’t take care of myself as much as I should have, and that’s a lesson that I’ll be taking to further relationships. The situation became toxic between us, and I should have asked them to fix things or break up months before we finally cleared things up. I should continue to work on myself and focus time on things that make me feel connected and jubilant without relying on others. None of this makes my joy at that relationship wrong though.
I’ve been holding myself back from jumping into another relationship for a little while now, something I think is prudent. I’ve had some people who I’ve been interested in asking out and doing things with, but I just didn’t feel stable enough yet, nor did I feel like I knew what I wanted to do going forward. At this point, I’ve decided that it truly is okay to deeply delve into someone else and spend so much time thinking of them. For months I’d been trying to find what I was doing wrong to cause the relationship to become toxic, and after breaking up I was trying to figure out how I could stop that from happening in the future.
While I mentioned some slight things I want to change about myself, I don’t think I really could have done anything to save the relationship, and more and more I’m realizing that really embracing that love as I did wasn’t wrong. The next time I find someone who clicks so wonderfully with me, I’ll embrace it once again. It was totally worth it. =3