The past few months have been a bit of a whirlwind. I’ve spent a lot of time working on stuff for our theme camp, spending time with people, and generally trying to keep life in order. Some weeks it feels like I don’t have a moment to breathe, but that’s finally starting to calm down a bit. With my two main burns out of the way, I’m starting to look into other things to fill my time.
Part of what hadn’t been as much of a part of my life for the past few months were certain events that a certain person went to. Specifically the person from the breakup months ago. There were certain events they were more heavily involved with than me, and with enough on my plate I just didn’t go. For the most part I didn’t see them at other events either, save for one where I really wasn’t ready to talk to them.
Fast forward to now, when a picture of them ended up online in my feed. Immediately I felt anxiety at the sight. It wasn’t quite as bad as it was months ago, but it was still there. I hadn’t gone to their personal posts since the breakup because that anxiety is what I felt every time they appeared. Rather than trying to ignore their existence though, this time I decided to lean into the feeling. Might have been the recent mindfulness training in therapy or just the months that have passed since then, but this time I did something different.
There was pain and fear there for sure, partially from the feeling of loss I have around it all. That was the best year of my life that ended rather badly, and a lot of me wants the good days back. Aside from that though, there was something else. I felt a compulsion to move away, to leave them alone, and I realized part of what had been happening as I let go of that feeling. I’d been doing everything I could not to bother them, my brain reading any kind of contact I might make with them as “a bother”.
Of course, none of this is fair to either of us. They didn’t say they wanted me to completely and totally stay away from everything they had to do with, and frankly I shouldn’t be limiting my access to things I like. I should trust them to manage having me around if we happen to be around one another. I’m treating them like they’re completely unable to deal with things, and I shouldn’t be.
And truthfully? I’ve gotten to the point where I want to talk to them again. If possible, I want to find some closure in figuring out what went wrong, and it would be nice to be able to be on good terms with them again if possible. I don’t know where they are around this issue, but my current strategy of waiting for them without making my intent clear seems less than optimal. I’m planning to talk to them next time I see them, and if I don’t run into them soon I’ll send them a message.
Hopefully all will go well, but if not I’ll at least have some idea of where they are.