Some pictures of my fire whip escapades at Gateway courtesy of the lovely MissBurgundy. =3
Some pictures of my fire whip escapades at Gateway courtesy of the lovely MissBurgundy. =3
People at burns have their drugs of choice, and mine has long been kink and sex~ So naturally I was flying high as Saturday rolled around. J and I woke up and felt pretty good, but found out it had only been like 4 hours of sleep we’d gotten. X3 We tried to get a bit more rest, but soon enough she was heading back to her camp for the morning and the breakfast that came with it. I heard from her later that the other people who’d crashed out around us before we headed to my tent were still all lying there when she got back.
I crashed for a little bit longer, but Saturday I had a good number of things going on. We were going to try and have the bunny hop again, but we didn’t really get much of anyone there this time. All of the other things throughout the day were enough to keep me busy anyway. I had burn safety stuff, more burn safety stuff, and a couple of events to be at for TLC before the effigy burn later that night. Aside from that, I really wanted to spend more time with J before we got pulled away from each other by the end of the burn.
The first event of the day was a poly discussion which went especially well. Or…well, it might have gone better if the camp across from us wasn’t blaring “Old Greg”, “Narwhals”, and “Bacon Pancakes” on repeat. X3 Still, we had a couple of people who didn’t know much about poly there and plenty of veterans. Lots of great discussion about various topics. One person tried to make some finer points on jealousy/envy, distinguishing them by specific desires/actions involved, though a fellow bunny commented that both should be handled similarly, so a distinction wasn’t helpful. Compersion, communication, scheduling, meeting needs, and various other topics all had their moment before the discussion was over.
I knew that the cuddle party was supposed to start once the discussion was over, but I couldn’t be there when it began due to safety work. I headed off and anxiously waited for them to finish the safety meeting before skipping straight back to camp. It seemed I hadn’t missed too much though. The conversation was actually still going on, and J wasn’t anywhere around. I really didn’t want to wait until the evening to have our scene, so after joining the conversation for a bit I went off in search of her yet again. =P
She was actually pretty easy to find back at her camp, and soon enough I had her back at mine along with a few of her friends who wanted to watch. In fact, we had a number of people there, some left over from the discussion, who were watching as I wrapped her up in rope and tied her to the structure. This time, for whatever reason, I decided to be more artsy. I tied the usual chest harness followed by a green line up to the hard point above. A simple red whirl around the harness where the upper line connected and I had a nice upside-down flower. =3 I found it to be a bit of a rushed work, but at least I had a good canvas~
Speaking of my canvas, I spent a while leaving some marks. As before, J was plenty reactive to everything I did, making some wonderful sounds as I paddled, shocked, and smacked her around at my leisure. Much of my more impactful attention focused on her ass, though I grabbed her breasts and bit all over her body, leaving lots of nice dents and bruises that would last for days. Things felt a little more primal with her, more raw and unfettered in a lot of ways that pressed all of my buttons they way I like them pressed.
And of course I wasn’t about to let her go without fucking her in front of everyone as well. I pulled her down and put her on the ground, holding her down as I railed into her. Growls rumbled from my throat and teeth clamped onto flesh. She made those wonderful squeaking, gasping noises as I took her exactly how I liked. One on one, my delicious little toy for a scene. >=3
I lost myself a little in all of that, much like in previous bouts of play, no longer noticing who was around me for large stretches of time as flesh slapped against flesh, hot, raspy breaths escaping our mouths. The absorption was enough to the point that I absentmindedly put a hand on a rope and got her blood on it. Oh well. I have enough rope to go around. That rope now sits in its own bag in my closet, waiting for the next time it can wrap around her body and give me such wonderful handles with which to pull her exactly where I want her. As I felt myself starting to wear down, I held her in place and simply worked myself up all the way to an orgasm, throbbing deep inside of her wet embrace.
We spent a little time cleaning the area together before she hopped off to her camp. During the cleanup, someone commented on how I tied my used condom off to keep the cum inside. It was apparently a novel idea to them, and one that I was happy to pass along. =3 As J left though, I still had a few things I needed to organize, and I got to spend a little time with people around my own camp for a bit. Once I was sure I was all good to go for most of the rest of the night, I headed out to J’s camp again to spend a little more quality time before the burn.
They were setting up to eat, and I figured I wouldn’t impose, but after it was offered, I accepted a little food. As we sat and talked, she mentioned having difficulty sitting down, which is always a compliment after a good scene. >=3 We got to chat about plenty of things, relaxing and enjoying the atmosphere for quite a while. Time flew by though, and soon enough she needed to help clean up. I decided it was time to excuse myself and headed off to get ready for the effigy burn itself~
Right before the effigy burn, I stopped by to borrow a flashlight back from Ther. It felt like I’d mostly seen her in passing throughout the entire weekend, though we’d gotten to sit together and/or chat a little bit at least during a meal, walking down paths, and and a few other times. I had of course told her about how I threw a fire whip as soon as I could, because OMG FIRE WHIP. o.o We planned to crash together that last night after the effigy burn, though I didn’t know exactly when we’d turn in for the night.
Anyway, she was having her own fun with cute boys. =3
Mike held my pack while I went for my safety work. I just had my wet towel, flashlight, and whip to carry. How could I not bring my whip after all? With my semi-fire-resistant ears, I bounded off to the field and was placed around the effigy. My position wasn’t the best for seeing the show unfortunately. I was right at the end of the line, so most performers had run out of fuel by the time they made it all the way around to where I was standing. Still, the performances were fun~ The only thing lacking was a fire whip, to tell the truth. Actually…hey Amazon, do you sell those? Probably not the best place to get one even if they do… Where do I get a fire whip?
…Okay, there are a few sites. I’m going to have to ask around about this, because suddenly I want to do fire whip more than ever. >.>; Facebook is saying Dark Monk? Gotcha.
Anyway, my place near the end of the line meant something different. In the past, I’d been at the start or the middle, but being right near the end meant that there was a possibility that some of the performers could come over and have me put their tools out. Sure, there were the official couple of people off to my left, but that didn’t mean I wouldn’t get a couple of tools to snuff. I’d practiced putting out tools all of once or twice when I was first getting into doing safety work, since all of my safetying was done at pre-burn processions. Several people put their tools out to my left, as I figured they’d do, but then someone went to the guy on my right and I was like…yeah, I might just have to put some out for real here!
The situation on my right was pretty amusing though. The guy put his tool down on the grass, a double-ended fire staff, and when he picked it up the grass behind him was burning. I blinked as he flipped his staff around, had the other end put out and…accidentally lit the side that had previously been put out. This happened multiple times, flipping the staff to put out the end that has just been lit and lighting the other end by accident. X3 After a moment, I started to walk over to help, but they’d already figured it out and were fixing it.
And then someone came to me. I put my towel down on the ground and let them put their tool down on it. A couple of pats later and they were good to go. I had to watch out with one of the staffs that was put down though, to make sure that I didn’t have a similar situation to what happened on my right. In my distraction I ended up not patting the end enough and I had to re-snuff the first side before moving to the second. Overall everything went well though, and I felt a little accomplished, as silly as that may sound. =P
The effigy burn itself was…gorgeously done from what I saw. Much of my time was spent looking out at the crowd to make sure that nobody was trying to cross the barrier, but I could feel its wonderful heat on my back much of the time. They seemed to build it a little too well, since some of the last supports didn’t want to come down for anything. =P
Once it was down though, there was that magical moment where everyone gets to rush in. We rush around the fire, the crackling embers that remain of a beautiful work of art. It’s a moment where the raw, captivating power of fire helps to remind us to enjoy our time, since all things end. As we run around the fire, delighting in the moment for all that it is, we see all of our friends and lovers around us. Sometimes it’s a quick flash as you run by one another, and other times its hand in hand, laughing and delighting in the sharing of such a wonder.
I managed a bit of both. =3
Afterward, I headed off with J to spend some time. She was going to get pizza from Spice Pirates and go dancing with the rest of her group, and that sounded like a good time to me. ^_^ I slipped away with them, found Spice pirates was still getting ready to make food, and ended up at Shark Jesus right next door for some dancing~ The DJ there was doing this thing though. It was this thing where I couldn’t stop dancing because every song was just seamlessly transferred into the next song! It’s not like I’m complaining or anything. Dancing with J around those songs was wonderfully intoxicating. I wanted to be all over her, and she happily obliged. Hands roamed, kisses smacked wetly between us. I didn’t want to stop the touching or dancing, even while my body started complaining when I would crack my whip over and over to the song and get down low in my dance. It was just too wonderful to stop for so incredibly long.
Finally I had to pull myself away though. I was getting thirsty and…fuck, I didn’t have any water left. I’d have to run back and get some. Leaving my backpack behind, I told J and the others that I’d be right back as soon as I grabbed some water and dashed off toward my tent. Like, I actually ran at least some of the way. The weirdest thing Saturday night was how my legs just kept going. Even with as tired as I was, I could start dashing across the field, zipping between other people without an issue. The excitement coursed through my veins.
One of the things I knew I had to do before the night was up was get L over to J as well. I knew the two of them were both interested in one another, but I’d not had a good chance to help them find one another yet. That is until I started back from getting water. I’m pretty sure L had been thinking of the same thing, since I ran into her when heading back from my tent and she asked me if I knew where J was. I was all, “Yup! Come with me! =D” Did I say excitement was coursing through my veins? Here was another shot of it~
We got back to find J and the others getting into line for pizza again, and I let L and J start chatting, trying to stay back so they could have a bit of time together. L’s partner Z came along shortly afterward, somehow finding us in the throng of people. It was nice to see him, and thoughts of what the four of us could do were starting to pop up in my head, though I wanted to see J and L have at least a little of their own time.
We got pizza and soon were headed over to Friendgasm for some more dancing. Once again I tried to stay back, both to give those two room with one another and because dancing outside of the structure was more awesome in several ways. I had room to incorporate my whip when dancing, it wasn’t as ear-splittingly loud, and there were giant jets of fire spewing into the air at times. =3 How could I pass up the chance to dance there?
Eventually I slipped in though. Z was dancing with the other two here and there, and I figured having a fourth in the mix would probably be good for everyone. I think L might have been holding back a bit at times, but she still let herself get into the moment for some of our little dance party~ It was fun getting to dance with her adorable self for once, not to mention rocking it with J some more. ^_^
After a while, everyone had slipped outside to chat, and people wanted to go dance a little more…horizontally. Foursomes were brought up. >=D It was something that I’d thought of already, but really how much treasure can you hope to find in one burn? Apparently more than I’d wagered for. After discussing locations for a moment, we ended up heading back to the TLC main structure because why not? Not only was there plenty of room there, but I had all of my toys and there was always a chance to end up with voyeurs while there. Definitely the best location~
Upon reaching the tent though, Ther got my attention and wanted to talk. I told the others to enjoy themselves while I went and spent a little time with Ther. The two of us hadn’t had a ton of time, as I’ve mentioned before, and she wanted to make sure that we were still on for sleeping together later in the evening. I of course was up for it, though I didn’t know when I’d be done with everything else. She understood, and soon enough we were heading off in our separate directions once again.
By the time I got back to the tent, the others were enjoying themselves. I sat down and cuddled with Z while L and J enjoyed one another. And did they ever enjoy one another~ Watching them was an entrancing, transfixing experience. There was so much desire, so much lust and pleasure. It was like they’d managed to tear the lid off of any inhibitions that were holding one another back, and they pounced on one another, made out, ground their bodies, and just generally relished in every moment of it. While it was all getting me rather hot, I almost didn’t want to jump in and interrupt the beauty! It was a blast just watching them~ ❤ Finally though, L chimed in suggesting that Z and I insert ourselves. We happily did exactly that~ >=3
It was a mishmash of limbs, positioning, and playfulness. Lips pressing up against one another, both with mouths and nethers, moaning, holding people down while they were played with by others… A lot was going on, and my mind was constantly trying to spin a new idea into something workable. I got one position where L and J were on top of Z and I, facing one another so they could make out or do whatever they wanted while we were buried deep inside of them. It required legs tangled in legs to get there, but it was 100% worth it. Ropes came out and bound the two face-to-face at one point too, because really why not? Eventually everyone started winding down a bit, and I finished myself off, burying myself nice and deep in L’s soft folds as I came. Made sure to announce it too, and I got some wonderful reactions from the others~ >=3
I don’t know how long the four of us spent there, reveling in the pleasure, but we were soon cleaning up and I was heading off to find Ther. The others were all going to spend a bit more time dancing. I’d probably have joined them for at least a little while if I didn’t have prior obligations, but getting some rest was certainly a good thing too.
I found Ther and we cleaned up and crashed for the night. The next day came swiftly, and soon we were packing up the whole camp. I managed to find J and give her both a way to contact me and a little memento of the weekend. I mean…more of a memento than the bruises I gave her. >=3 I’d meant to give the same to L, but I wasn’t able to find her before she left. Thankfully I knew she’d be taking a few bruises home at least, since I’d already seen them the day before~ >=D Some of my other friends hopped out early themselves, disappearing before I even woke up.
Overall the teardown went well. There were plenty of people there helping us, and taking things apart is always easier than putting them back together again. Everyone at this point was pretty exhausted, and lunch on the way back home was one of the quietest affairs I’ve been to in a long time. I guess that’s what happens when you have a great weekend~ ^_^
Friday was the first day we had an event, and I of course made sure our host for the consent talk was ready to go. Even though she didn’t have a timepiece, she somehow made it to the talk right on time! Before any of that happened though, we had the bunnying. o.o Or perhaps the bunny hop. Cara and I had both managed to jump on a trampoline with bunny ears the day before, and we were looking for more people now. It was funny how when we were actually looking we couldn’t find a single person with them; I kept seeing them all over the burn otherwise! =P Thankfully, I had an extra pair of ears and I figured I could also find us someone who’d enjoy a the hop~
Sure enough, J was up for it when I asked, and soon we were all bouncing with bunny ears on the trampoline. It really was one of the more silly and purely joyous parts of the burn. The three of us laughed hard and enjoyed ourselves as a fellow burner recorded us from nearby (with consent of course!) As we got off, the group chatted a bit. The person who’d been recording, L, was rather cute, but I wasn’t immediately getting an ‘interested’ vibe off of her, so I held back a bit. She got along really well with J though (since they had some things in common), and I’m pretty sure I mentioned my event that would be happening later.
Two of my friends from STL, first time burners at Interfuse, had made it there the night before, and it was sometime on Friday when I joined them for a little rope fun. I’d never done a self-suspension before, and especially not one as involved as what one of them would often do. Thankfully, she was up for leading and the three of us spent maybe an hour suspending ourselves from the rig they’d brought in. I’m incredibly grateful for all they did for me at the burn, including the self-suspension lesson, the use of their rig, and the time we got to spend together. =D Threesomes were spoken of between the three of us, but since everyone was out doing their own thing we’re just going to have to wait to have that fun again. X3
The consent talk went off without a hitch, and rope was right after! R and J made it of course, and to my surprise L was there as well with her partner Z. I couldn’t pretend I wasn’t happy at that, but at the same time I was trying to be somewhat non-creepy about the whole thing. R was my model for much of the event, with people filtering in and out as things went on. I’d hoped we’d have a number of people who’d done ropework there, so we could just peer share, but I was thankfully ready to do a class~ Rolling with the punches as usual. =P A few cuffs and some chest harness variants later, time was up.
People stuck around at least for a while though. I figured it was as good a time as any to get a scene going on, since if I waited too long people would end up intoxicated and distracted. I was nervous about it for sure, since there were multiple people around me who I was crushing on. Thankfully, I have plenty of practice with being nervous and awkward. X3
R was a very obedient, though easily distracted bottom. =P I think I remember her wandering away at least once during either the rope event or while I was tying her up later, though probably the former. The rope handles were awesome as usual for pulling her around, and I did a lot more teasing than I’m usually want to do. She took quite a bit when it came to her flogger, and it was quite enjoyable to swing that thing full tilt. >=3 The tazapper I had also made an appearance, and dragging it along her skin got some wonderful reactions~ The only issue with the scene was that I couldn’t get it up when I took her down from the hard point. I’d wanted to fuck her afterward, but oh well. *sigh* Thankfully I had my trusty blue glass dildo on hand just in case. =3 She seemed pretty close to cumming a few times there in front of everyone, but not quite. Unfortunately I didn’t have the hand stamina to keep going for as long as I’d have liked either. I could have kept going for a bit longer to tell the truth, probably switching hands, but it was easier and more fun to tell her that she’d have to find someone else she’d been meaning to have sex with. The cries of frustration were delicious~ >=D
Speaking of which, I was getting really hungry and needed some food.
Stopping the scene left me to chat with people, especially J about a future scene. I can’t quite express just how excited I was to get into it with her~ We did a little negotiation and then she headed off to get some food. I was about to do the same, but I couldn’t help chatting with L and Z for a little while, showing them some various things having to do with rope. I’d not been able to cram everything in during my semi-impromptu class earlier, so we shoved as much as we could fit in here. Once again I was doing my best not to just stare at L the entire time, since I’d not had any good indications she was interested. I kinda wanted to say something, but there was soooo much holding back.
And then someone mentioned how cute she was and when she responded positively I was like, fuck it. I mentioned that she was really cute but I had been trying to not make her uncomfortable. I forget exactly when she said it, but she said something about how J was so attractive. I told her that she could give J a run for her money because…yeah. They were both super attractive. While L had been a bit harder to read for me, she did show interest, and soon we were cuddling a bit on the bench and talking about yet another scene, one between the two of us. Ideas quickly shifted to involving Z, because why the hell not? Co-Topping scene and threesome? Yes please! There was some back and forth flirting and idea wrangling, but eventually she mentioned food and I realized I’d said I needed to eat like…three times already.
Once again, I was getting really hungry and needed some food.
So we agreed to meet up for a scene after food, provided I wasn’t already sceneing with J.
All of this lead to me sitting around going “I’ve got three fucking people I’m attracted to and want to play with right now. What is my life even?” Like, I have people I’m attracted to and vice versa from time to time, but when do you ever find three different attractive people at a single event who all want to do things with you? Either I’d won the lottery, I’d finally managed to “find myself” to a point where people were more interested, or perhaps a combination of both. At any rate, it would be a little while before things started.
After eating, I spent quite a while walking up and down the paths, cracking my whip and watching out for the others. J was nowhere to be found from what I could see, and at one point when I was passing by her camp I ran across someone else I’ve known for a few years and had gotten to say hi to already at the burn, Tiana. She’d shown me a fire whip earlier in the burn, but I’d not expected what she offered to me in the dark of Friday night.
She offered a chance to try a fire whip for the first time.
Needless to say, I was a tumultuous mixture of excited and nervous. I’d never done this before, nor had I truthfully ever used any fire implements at all! As I soaked the whip in fuel and then waited to get lit, I paced, watching others do their performances. Then the time came, fire engulfed the length and…fuck.
The star car was too close. And it wasn’t moving.
People told me not to start yet, so I waited. The flames lapped up near my hands, and I had to shift the handle up and down, turning in different directions trying to keep them away from my hand, which was quickly getting hot. The car wouldn’t move…still wouldn’t move, people yelling and telling them to go…and then finally it got out of the way. I breathed a sigh of relief as it moved, and as soon as I was cleared to go, the whip was swinging around in circles.
I brought it forward, trying to crack it several times, but never quite managing. It didn’t have a cracker after all, but I was going to try regardless. I danced a little, dodged the whip as it came back toward me a few times, and at least once managed to brush myself with the length. By the time I left, I could at least say I did it, the act exhilarating and satisfying, but at the same time leaving me wanting for more. I wanted to get a crack out of the whip, I wanted to do more dancing with it than I had, much of my movements having been carefully weaving and dodging the flame. Afterward I found I’d singed the hair on my leg, and furthermore people thought I looked like a pro, which I certainly didn’t think I would have. XD
Running high on that, I dashed off in search of people again. Somehow at some point I ran into L and Z, though I don’t even remember where or when anymore. I just remember being in the lounge, discussing sceneing a little more and then starting to get down to business. Chest tie, wrists, make sure that she was well held in place before Z and I started in on her. We traded off on blows, for a while my hands and toys smacking L in the ass while he stood in front of her and toyed with her. I wasn’t going to hog all of that fun though. Soon enough I was in front of her, grabbing her breasts and holding her in place as Z used implements on her. We continued trading back and forth for a little while, zapping and smacking, watching the fun reactions~
She managed to squirm her arms down at one point though. I must have not put enough wraps on the line holding her hands up, because her arms were down around her chest…a suboptimal situation which was thankfully easy enough to fix with a little reworking of the lines. It wasn’t too long after that when we decided to take her down for a threesome. Before we did though, I decided to be all experimental. First I tried fucking her standing up (which was not so successful), and then I pulled myself up to the point where I could get my cock in her mouth while hanging in midair. It was fun, and the goofiness of the whole situation just kept going as soon as we took her down.
In fact, it wasn’t long into the threesome when…you remember those Beakers I mentioned earlier? Yeah, we were in the middle of spitroasting L when suddenly a group of Beakers were in the doorway, meeping and moving around curiously, as if they were studying us. It was…probably one of the most surreal moments that I’ve ever been a part of. X3 The rest of the sex was enjoyable, but not nearly as eventful, bodies undulating and enjoying until we were spent.
After cleaning up, we went our separate ways for the night. I was thinking about going to bed, but I figured I’d check out J’s place at least one more time. She hadn’t been there any of the times I’d checked all night, but maybe she was finally back? Upon leaving to find her, I ended up running into R though, who was rather worked up from earlier. I thought about having some fun with her, but she was also saying she wanted to get together with a couple we knew who were getting married that night. Sleep with them on their wedding night and all. =P The things you hear at a burn, right? X3 Thankfully we managed to find who we were looking for after only a bit, and I headed the rest of the way over to J’s camp.
Sure enough, I found her hanging out with her friends in their camp, all cuddlepiling. I of course joined in and lay there for quite a while chatting. It was lovely. =3 Hands running through hair, arms wrapped around one another… *sigh* At one point I mentioned L, and it turned out that J was interested in L too. At this point I was pretty sure that I needed to help the two of them get together one way or another. It was only polite. =P As for J and I, I figured we probably wouldn’t do anything for the night. Still, I offered for her to come crash with me and she accepted. I should have known that between the two of us there was enough excitement that we weren’t going to get to bed without doing at least something. X3
Sure enough, she was totally up for some fun once we got back, and oh, the wonderful reactions~ I wasn’t even doing an impact scene with her or anything, but she gasped, moaned, and carried on so wonderfully. I held her arms to the bed at times to keep her from moving, pounded into her, bit her skin, and enjoyed every moment of it as much as I could while quickly fading from being so incredibly sleepy. It was totally worth it regardless~ I’m such a reaction junkie, and her reactions were delicious~ >=3
The fun wasn’t done though. Not by a long shot! There was plenty more to do on Saturday~ =D
Let me start off by saying that this was far and away the best interfuse I’ve had yet. =3 The weather was great, the people were wonderful, and I had a ton of fun~ More than ever I felt free and able to really just…be me, and that people accepted and enjoyed who that person is. ^_^
This isn’t to say things were absolutely perfect. Going into the weekend I’d had a lot of anxiety I was working on. Mainly this centered around the person I recently broke up with. My brain was going over various scenarios and trying to figure out how to respond should things happen. It was starting to fade a bit by the time I made it to the burn itself, and not long after getting there I found out they wouldn’t be making it anyway. It was…a moment of disappointment for not having the chance to try and face that discomfort, worry about them and their situation, and relief that I could run around without having to worry about conflict.
The things that should have been stressing me out, like having to run our theme camp with Erik, the possibility of leaving things behind, and my lingering arm pain, were barely even there. The fact that I was heading back to a burn was enough excitement to motivate me and wash most of that stress away. I had my whips, a bunch of extra crackers, and outfits all ready and picked out! =3
I even had a few people who I knew were going to be at the burn: people I hadn’t seen for about a year or so~ As introverted as I can be (and believe me, I definitely took some personal hiding breaks during the burn), seeing many of these wonderful souls is a pleasure every year. Along with that, surprises came in the form of people I met at this burn for the first time, people I’ll not be forgetting anytime soon~
The first night had some awesome points. Only a few of us were there setting the camp up, and we’d forgotten a ladder, so naturally we drove Erik’s car into the tent to get up to the top and do things. After finishing up what we’d done, we just left the car there, and people kept walking up and asking us where to sign up for the car raffle. It got even more ridiculous when Erik put up the lights at the end of the night, lights which projected colored light all around the car, making it look even more like a flashy raffle. X3
I think that night was when I ran into the first person I’d scene with over the weekend, someone who enjoyed the sound of my whip cracking and had a lot of complementary kinks to me. Better yet, it turns out she’s close enough by that the two of us might be able to play some in the future~ I’m super looking forward to that now, and at the time I was definitely appreciative of her forwardness in mentioning that she was attracted to me. Made it easy to get straight to planning a bit of fun~ I might have had fun that night, but she was a bit intoxicated at the time and I didn’t want to negotiate until she was sober again. =P For now, I’ll just call her R. We’d met at Compression, a previous burn event, but we’d not had much time to talk there. Thankfully, there was plenty of time at Interfuse~
Thursday we got the furniture set up with a little help from others. Most help was from campmates, but a few others came in from outside to pitch in. One burner who went by “Meep” spent some time at our camp and helped set some of it up after we chatted for a while. It was unfortunate she was all the way across the burn from our camp, since I’d have liked to chat some more. An old friend, Cara, also helped by setting up a bunch of cushy stuff and our stuffed animals on the furniture, which really made the place feel like home again. =3
Cara had been doing some awesome work around consent education and pulled me into some fun adventures at the burn. We walked around chatting with people and hopped on a trampoline at Tramp Camp while wearing bunny ears. We even tried to get more people to join us as the weekend went on, but the most we had was three bunnies at once on that trampoline. People were enjoying their burn too much to make an appointment for trampoline bunny hopping. X3
That evening brought a group of people over to our camp, at least one of them having been to one of my previous sex shows at Interfuse. They were hoping for one this time, but alas, I had not enough time to both run the camp and do the show. They were a bit disappointed, but still some of them wanted to come to our other events. It seemed like the rope event was especially interesting, and in particular to one person in the group, who I’ll call J for now. She was…intoxicatingly excited; I couldn’t help but be excited when I was around her! After showing her how to crack a whip I later got to cuddle with her, and R was there cuddling with me too. Part of me wanted to get a scene going with someone that night, but nerves, tiredness, and everyone being easily distracted stopped that from happening, at least for the moment.
Probably the silliest thing to happen that night was the Beaker Brigade. If you’ve ever seen the muppets and remember Beaker, you’ll remember how silly a character he is. Take that and turn it into a whole brigade of people meandering through the burn with Beaker masks and labcoats, repeatedly saying “Meep”, dancing around anyone and everyone, and just generally being goofy. X3 They would occasionally crop up and brighten everyone’s day for a few moments of wonderful silliness.
As I headed to bed Thursday night, I thought of all the things I could and hopefully would get to do through the next few days. Quite a bit more happened, but I’m still not done writing everything! More soon~
I’ve been thinking a lot about some of the things I’ve said recently and the things I’ve felt when moving forward. I’m still feeling the aftereffects of the relationship I had for nearly a year. It was…deep. I really threw myself into it and let myself focus almost exclusively on what was between us. I used pictures of them as wallpaper and even had their name in some of my passwords (passwords which have since changed). In a writing I posted a while back, “Strong”, I described this as obsession.
But really, the actions I took in a lot of ways are how I view love. Love is being open and taking someone’s soul into yourself. The closer you are to someone, the more their soul touches and blends into yours. The idea that this was an obsession and that I was unhealthy in focusing on seems wrong in a way. How else am I going to be close to people in the future if I don’t open up and be vulnerable to them? Why would I tamp down my feelings of adoration and joy when they’re someone that fills my being so wonderfully and thoroughly?
I certainly didn’t take care of myself as much as I should have, and that’s a lesson that I’ll be taking to further relationships. The situation became toxic between us, and I should have asked them to fix things or break up months before we finally cleared things up. I should continue to work on myself and focus time on things that make me feel connected and jubilant without relying on others. None of this makes my joy at that relationship wrong though.
I’ve been holding myself back from jumping into another relationship for a little while now, something I think is prudent. I’ve had some people who I’ve been interested in asking out and doing things with, but I just didn’t feel stable enough yet, nor did I feel like I knew what I wanted to do going forward. At this point, I’ve decided that it truly is okay to deeply delve into someone else and spend so much time thinking of them. For months I’d been trying to find what I was doing wrong to cause the relationship to become toxic, and after breaking up I was trying to figure out how I could stop that from happening in the future.
While I mentioned some slight things I want to change about myself, I don’t think I really could have done anything to save the relationship, and more and more I’m realizing that really embracing that love as I did wasn’t wrong. The next time I find someone who clicks so wonderfully with me, I’ll embrace it once again. It was totally worth it. =3
The other night I was at a party and people were talking about the concept of dancing; rather they were trying to define what dancing was. The usual “I know it when I see it” came up, though eventually the group seemed to settle on dancing just being any type of movement at all. They were talking about how even walking is dancing, and how while black is the shade of visual art, standing still is the shade of dancing. The rest in a measure, if you’re more musically inclined. Look no farther than someone dancing “The Robot” to see how being still can be integral in a dance number.
Something about their definition just didn’t feel right to me though. For me, there’s something more to dancing, though I couldn’t really find the words for it at the time. It took a little while to get my thoughts together before I realized why I thought their assessment wasn’t right. For me, dancing isn’t just movement. Dancing has more to it than that. Dancing has an intentionality of expression.
They mentioned that walking was dancing, which…while I feel it isn’t by default, it can be when done right. When I walk down the street, music in my ears and my feet hitting the pavement to a well-defined beat, I’m dancing. It’s a dance of forward movement, of purpose and resolve. Truthfully, I don’t necessarily have to have the music or beat, but music so often helps to aid in expression, as it’s a form of expression itself. It’s so often easier to express yourself around like-minded expressions.
When I dance to music in my room at night sometimes, it’s a dance of joy. I have a soaring enjoyment filling every pore of my body, and I can’t hold it in. It simply screams to be expressed, and thus my feet spin and slide, my arms swing, and I move gracefully across the floor, often leaping onto things if I have them available!
I’ve danced with a whip before, cracking in time to the music in manners that express joy, frustration, power, and freedom among many other things. There’s a precision to it, and yet there’s a very primal expression in the core of this sort of dance. It’s unrestrained in so many ways, controlled just enough so that I can be confident I won’t harm anyone with my actions. In a way it’s an expression of the fact I CAN express exuberantly and be myself without harming others. After so much difficulty dealing with my own overwhelming feelings, it’s a splendid release.
And these are just some ways I express myself. Dance can be found elsewhere, even in those who have little to no experience doing so. Toddlers can be seen dancing, a dance of joy that comes naturally to so many of us before we start worrying about what others may think. It’s raw and unrefined, and yet nonetheless it is no less a dance than the most graceful ballerina. In some ways you might say it’s more pure. It goes to show just how much intention of expression can exist without needing any sort of practiced skill.
I may use a lot of flowery words to express myself, and yet often much of what I say to those closest to me is through my tone, rather than my words. Often when with those closest to me I don’t even use words. Sometimes it can be hard to dance when it feels like others around me will judge me. The more I think about it though, the more I realize I could never look down on someone who was excitedly dancing their emotions, and I can’t take seriously someone who would do the same to me. Not even if I slip, stumble, or miss a beat. What’s important is that passionate intentionality of expression.
And nobody’s going to take that from me. =3
This is a cross-post from Fet. I wanted to make this available to people close to me who aren’t on that platform.
A lot has happened over the past year and the years before. I’ve been trying to find how I could fit in the kink community and others. So many questions. I knew in many ways what I wanted, or at least what situations worked for me. I’m a sadist, check. More specifically I know I like emotional reactions of all kinds from others regardless of what they are. How would I get those reactions though?
I only sometimes was able to find someone that I really felt alive with. People who liked what I like seemed incredibly rare, or currently involved in other relationships and uninterested. While I’ve had at least one person who’s stood by me, a stable support for years, I bounced back and forth with others, trying to find someone who really, truly worked for me.
As if to compound the difficulties of my search, heavy panic attacks and seriously painful stomach issues set in a couple of years ago. I was worried about my work and often would require finding a place to calm down, even more so than in the past when I could tough through it. I’d often go to events and have trouble asking people if they wanted to play at all, and when I did find people I clung to what I had.
Enter a little over a year ago. I found someone that worked for me in all the right ways. I could do the things I loved and the reactions. Oh, the reactions. I felt alive in as much as I could. The stomach issues and other issues continued, but for once I felt alive. I put nearly everything I had into this one person. I felt comfortable. I felt loved. I stopped looking for other people to a large extent, as much as I was still attracted to others. It was just too difficult, and I had someone right there. I focused almost exclusively on this…somewhat to my detriment.
I didn’t look out for myself. When difficulties would come up, I would do everything I could to make sure they were smoothed over. I’d put my wants after making sure that this relationship, this thing that seemed to be sustaining me was kept going. I put them first at almost every turn, and in doing so I did a great disservice to myself, to others close to me…and even to them.
I wasn’t the same person I was when they met me, in some ways having delved so deeply that I’d lost track of some things, even while having learned things about myself. I still wouldn’t give up the time we had for the world, but now that I look back I know some things about it were unhealthy.
I could hide behind the fact that I really didn’t have the energy, the wherewithal to push myself in good directions. I could hide behind my stomach issues and the panic that so often accompanied them. As much as I learned to mitigate such feelings, they never went away. They always stuck around, sitting in the background.
As I’m sure you’ve guessed, if you didn’t already know, the relationship ended. I floundered for a while, since I didn’t know for sure if it really had or at the very least couldn’t accept it if I’d heard as much. I wanted the emotional closeness if nothing else. That wasn’t to be though. I couldn’t keep going after them, pining and hoping. I continued to put them first in a way, trying to make sure that they weren’t uncomfortable with me but always just feeling awkward and certainly causing more harm than good for everyone involved. It just…wasn’t…healthy.
I started to come to terms with it even before I really truly clarified what had happened with them. I spent nights crying and I leaned on those close to me, those who were still around me and could support me, people who I often supported as well but didn’t feel that same need and anxiety. When I confirmed where the two of us where, it felt hard in the moment, but as soon as it was over I didn’t cry nearly as much as I thought I would. In a way, I’d already come to terms with it.
But there were other things I hadn’t come to terms with. When I went to BMSL this weekend, I felt comfortable walking in. It’s a place where in a lot of ways I can be who I really am. The problem as the weekend continued was just…who was I? I had a couple of people who I was going to do scenes with, but something felt missing. What was that piece that I was missing? What was the thing that I wanted so badly that I would put my expression of my own desires last in order to keep?
After doing a scene on Friday night and having one lined up Saturday, I knew I needed something else. I knew I needed to cry at least a bit. I was tearing up left and right trying to deal with the pain that was left as I watched the one I still love doing what they do best, doing the beautiful loops they now do as they flew free. I wanted that for them, but what did I want for myself?
When it came time for a single tailed whip class, I knew I had to be there. As much as rope is me, there’s something liberating about cracking a whip. I watched intently, taking everything in, absorbing as much as I could, and wanting to crack a whip myself. The moment eventually came when a call went out of “Who in the crowd is a whip top?” I raised my hand enthusiastically, not quite expecting they’d call me up to show how I handled a whip. I should have known, since they were talking about it moments before.
Those moments of dancing, cracking the whip with practiced motions that even my anxiety couldn’t rob me of, brought on a small high. I felt… And that was just it. I felt.
As the night continued, I could feel myself near tears several times, and I wanted to express it. I thought of a good friend of mine who found herself through a solo scene. She didn’t need anyone in order to find what she wanted, and as nervous as I was I wanted to do the same. I put on my best, heading down to the dungeon with my whips wrapped around my waist like a belt holding my pants up.
When the dungeon finally opened, I grabbed the mats, the largest area I could find, as soon as I could. I thought I was going to cry. I was getting tears in my eyes as I sat and waited after all. As the music started, I pulled a whip out and cracked it a couple of times. The feelings started to flow again. I started to rip my suit off, pitching it aside in an act of pitching the barriers that I put up to try to protect myself and others. They didn’t come off easily. I had to pull my rope gauntlet off my arm, something I wasn’t planning. In a way though, throwing my rope, the symbol of so much art and perfection, to the side in such an emotional scene was fitting as well.
I used both whips, hitting as hard as I could, though in time to the music. There was something primal, hard, and yet therapeutic about all of it. I didn’t cry. I felt strong. I felt so many of the things I’d felt when I scened with them, the person I’d been so obsessed with over the past year. I felt the energy, I felt the emotion allowing itself to come to the surface, even as no tears fell from my eyes.
The world blurred. Near the beginning I saw at least one DM walk up and stare. I don’t know if they were trying to decide if it was a healthy scene or if they needed to intervene. Maybe they wondered if I was going to be safe with what I was doing. My strikes were savage and unrefined, but always on beat and always within the mat. I knew what I was doing. I was working myself up and tearing myself down.
Over the songs where I played, alone and yet as alive as ever, I exhausted myself. I turned in on myself and I can’t tell you what happened outside of my little bubble with the occasional notice of those close to me, including that one who I’d obsessed over for so long, who I’d taken solace in. I wanted to see them happy, but I didn’t need them, and I was making my own path. I could be alone and get what I wanted out of the scene.
I left feeling stronger than ever. Dehydrated, exhausted, and just now as I write this feeling the soreness of my arms and back from the intense workout I forced upon myself, both top and bottom in that scene. But I was stronger. I spent the rest of the night feeling a high I’ve not felt for a while now, and all of my own making.
I still felt that I wanted to spend time around them and still felt sadness at our not playing, but now when I was around them I felt I could be happy and happy for them without so much weighing me down. I didn’t feel like I needed to tiptoe in order to make sure that they were happy. They could find happiness on their own as well. I took more chances, I spent time with those who are close to both of us in ways I’d worried would make them feel uncomfortable, trusting that if they did they’d say something and knowing that I was putting myself first once again.
The rest of the night was astounding. I had all the energy I’d ever wanted to joke with, relate to, and encourage friends. I got over my fear of talking to the one I was watching flourish and spent a number of wonderful moments in conversation between the things that we each did. I soared under my own power and nobody fucking else’s.
I shared a small part of this with the Switches’ Symposium afterward, and more with my loved ones back home, a support net that was ready to catch me as soon as I returned from the event. I may not have cried during my scene, but I cried tonight. I cried telling my closest partner all the things that had been eating me and how I am overcoming them. I cried both as I continue to feel sadness at what was loss and deep joy at what I have found. Tears have even found their way down my face as I wrote this.
For so many years I felt I couldn’t express my feelings. I pushed my overly strong feelings down to try and exist in the world as a functioning being, to not cry at the drop of a hat. When I look for reactions in others, in a way I’m feeling through them, using their pain, surprise, pleasure, and love to feel on my own part.
Last night when I danced and tonight when I cried…I felt for myself. I felt without using someone else as a medium, as a person who would feel feelings that I could empathize with. The numbness of space after the scene, the ecstatic energy from last night, and the tears that slide along my cheeks. I feel again. I feel, and I feel strong.